Diary of Angry Asian Female

I am just a horrible human being - I burst into hysterical laughter and could not stop after reading this sentence in a hardcore epidemiology article:

"In the middle of the SARS crisis, Hong Kong unveiled its new travel slogan - 'Hong Kong, it'll take your breath away.' "

Celebrated end of LSAT season by sleeping in and eating all day. Was originally going to drag myself to Robarts at the crack of dawn but decided against it - vegging is good for the soul. Research can wait.

Mother has it in her mind that I've been starving myself during teaching season, so now she's made it her mandate to fatten me up. Just returned from midnight trip to T&T where she decided to forkload lots of greasy/cheesy goods into the old hanger: spring rolls, sushi, custard buns, ice cream and some Nestle Drumsticks added to the cart. I have a feeling Robarts will not be happening tomorrow either. She won't be satisfied until I'm coddled into obesity.

In other news, I fully agree with o_glorianna's comment about wearing our "Life gives you lemons, you fucking show those lemons who's boss!" T-shirts to class - I think we should get together with all the other instructors and make it an occasion. The MCAT kids will love it. It'll be a big morale booster before the big day.

It's like a giant porcupine slowly slid its way down my throat, have been living in fear of losing that last croack of voice.
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I want food so bad but am scared that it will cause me to fall asleep and not wake up for 3 days.
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The people on restaurant patios are silently taunting me with their iced teas, sunglasses and general lounging air. Stupid aristocrats.
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I need a bag of sour cream & onion chips, cheese dip and a bowl of Haagen Daaz so bad...
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If only I could do away with sleep...this could all work. In tandem.

The last couple of months have gone by in a blur. I don't know what else to say except EEK and Good riddance.

I think I'm finally coming out of that disgustingly happy fog I've been in, so back to my bitter old self, finalement. I didn't trust myself to post in that state of mind, lest I look back and have a permanent record of my giddy tidings to look back upon in disgust. Good riddance. Two weeks of ft-teaching have stripped me of that glossy outlook. I never thought I'd say this but it's good to be bitter and exasperated once more. It's befitting of me.

In other news, it seems so strange that school, or school as I've known it for the past 4 yrs, is over. I've been in such a hurry these past weeks that I've only started reflecting on it now. No more coffee dates at Second Cup, no more late-night cram sessions at Gerstein, no more creepy shawerma man to flirt with on lunch breaks (yes, i go there so often that we have a rapport, it's sad but so's my sorry existence).

In other exciting news, did anyone see the season finale of ER?? Oh man, Ray was going to be my new Carter reincarnate, except hotter and with a guitar (*drools*). Alas, he is now Lieutenant Dan (but you ain't got no sea legs Lt. Dan!) and i fear Neela and him will never get together. He better not leave the show. Else NBC will be receiving some really heinous tidings in the mail.

After 4 years of endless BS-ing, that sinking feeling never leaves you. That horrible, excruciatingly painful FRUSTRATION of trying to start a paper:

Sitting in front of a empty monitor, watching the cursor flash...blink...blink...while you wait for inspiration to come to you. I've just realized (during the thousandth time pulling yet another essay out of my ass) that no other feeling in the world trumps this sense of dread, foreboding failure of a blank screen. Like all the random streams of thought going through your mind can never be fully realized, justified or personified to the extent you wish/need it to be. You are doomed to fail, that's why you keep writing the exact same starting sentence over and over again, only to erase it in exasperation.

Pretty soon you start sweating and cursing because nothing comes out right, all your previous triumphs are thrown back into your face and you swear that you are not even LITERATE. You feel a sense of panic like this moment, this 'frame', this assignment will never end, you are forever trapped in this cyclical hell of empty longing for SOMETHING to come to you.

*sigh*

Fuck I need some coffee.

Feeling semi-crummy coming back from blissful weekend of doing nothing, now time to face music. Fireball was great, never had so much hummus and *STAW*berry fondue in my life. Have to catch up on 4+ weeks of reading, plus prepare for assignments/grants/tests/essays due. ARGH. I thought I might get a break by asking for an extension (for the first time in my 4-year academic career) but got shot down straight. Great.

On a totally unrelated, hilarious note, I heard a 33-year-old man refer to federal appropriations in the CHA as "Bombastic". Got visual of Professor as Rastafarian wearing Bob Marley T-shirt. Nearly died of laughter - there's a generational gap if I ever cited one.

Thanks to Em, I have never laughed so hard for 5 straight minutes in my entire life:

http://www.betterloverseminar.com/desi_wife_catches_husband.php

I don't know who to feel more sorry for, the wife or the poor sod of a man caught cheating over the radio.

Week 1 of 'Operation Restore Health' has enjoyed mixed success.

I've started taking my centrum again, thank goodness, my knees buckle less when i sit. I'm debating whether to supplement the supplement with an additional 800IUs of Vitamin D and risk overdose, in order to make up for all the excreted minerals from last term's caffeine-a-thon. Hmmm...no, kidney failure would be a bitch. Hold that thought for now.

Went to the gym today, got a good slap in the face from mother fitness. Seems the muscles in not only my upper but lower body died(apparenty i overestimated the effects of general movement from the bed to fridge). 25 minutes on the treadmill almost killed me - i think i even acquired a rash from the panting. Seriously - I may have developed an acute allergy to working out. That may be my cue for an exit strategy soon.

I even had a salad for lunch today, only to be hit by a HUGE wave of carb-craving hunger by midafternoon. Walking through Chinatown on the way home - BAD DECISION. Was seduced into evil Chinese Bakery, where evil teller lady convinced me i needed an entire bag of oil/buttery/fatty buns. Now must fight the need to be frugal and finish the pack, while cringing with every bite of buttery goodness for my arteries. Ooooh, the tragedies of a postermodern existence. I came home to also discover roommate went to Silversteins and loaded up on aromatic french bread. This means more sneaking to the kitchen in the middle of the night, to steal her bread and eat it straight with butter, under the cover of darkness. The idea of it in my kitchen burns a hole through my conscience...and stomach. *drools* Must. Control. Glutonous. Gut.!!! Maybe I have a giant tapeworm or something.

The past few days have gone by in a flurry of blurred motion that sometimes I wake up in the morning and think it's all too good to be true. Or expect to be hit by some kind of bus carrying liquid manure to spill over me, if only to even out the karma of the universe. But so far, so good.

It seems as if the higher powers that be (hmm should I have capitalized?) have finally decided to grant me a break. After that hellish last term, everything just got...peachy king when i arrived back on campus. First, UT law called with their regards. Then, much celebrating and eating. Then, marks came back not as bad as anticipated. (Su: Hay did not screw us over! YAY! I heart mushrooms!) I got my shiny new iPod in hand (thnx Sobi!) And now i am sitting around like a babbling idiot smiling at the world. Someone must have slipped some LSD into my tea or something because i am feeling PSYCHODELIC! I'm sure this will all ebb away next week when i start crunching numbers and looking into lines of credit for my debt-ridden future, and realize how wrechedly boring and horrible this term's courses are, but right now, i'm QUEEN OF THE WORLD! :)

And now, insert random Peanut threads:

This is a public service announcement from the momentarily un-angry asian female:

Salut Friends!

To those of you who joined in the fun on Dec. 19th, thanks for the memories! They will last a lifetime (or what i remember of it). Though I thoroughly enjoyed myself, I'm sorry to say it was at some of your expenses. I understand I can be confusing when intoxicated, so here are a few things we should clear up, for the time being:

1. I am not a top model, I'm aware that you're not all just jealous of my talents, and I do not have the drive to step all over the rest of you. Apologies go out to all of those who had to see my runway walk (it was pure brilliance in my head, i must say, but i have a feeling it wasn't quite so spectacular after a few rounds of vodka)

2. To those of you who had to endure through ear-shrieking phone calls or voicemail *surprises*, I apologize, G and I thought we could finish off the rest of the vodka (the other bottle, remember?) when everyone left, so we were flying quite high for awhile there. Shoutouts go to Lyn, who endured longest circular phone conversation with me while I waited for G to stop throwing up.

3. I love you all equally, and none of you are my *favourite*, no matter how many times I told you so.

4. To a certain individual who's name rhymes with Wanbing: i stand by my statement that I do not swing that way, and I did not appreciate how you tried continuously to undress me the entire night. Shame on you, taking advantage of me like that! :)

All in all, I must issue a giant lump-sum public apology to those who had to endure my drunkenness. Now you know what I meant when I said "I apologize beforehand for any behaviour that ensues later on in the evening." Thanks for sharing in the group release after exams. I cannot tell you the extent of my ecstasy now that the term from hell is finally over. Apps are done, the great L-beast has been tamed (who's the biatch NOW?) and I have spent the last two weeks blissfully watching Peanut gnaw away at the secret hole he's been constructing in the back of the living room couch. Life doesn't get much better than this.

22 long years ago, on this day, somewhere in rural China, my mother gave birth to a severely cranky, premature little bird that was MOI. Anxious to see what the big world had to offer, i was of course impatient and demanded to get out before my time was up. I tore my way out of that suffocating space (sorry ma, but you're not a big woman either), opened my beady eyes for the first time and proclaimed:

"This shit is overrated." *yawn*

Here's to 22 long years of endless self-indulgent, self-depricating BS-with-a-*light*-frothing-of-rage. And to may more to come - looking forwards to the throw-down, life. This biatch can take it.

This is a warmfuzzy directed at atomicduck, with whom i've just had a heart-to-heart about the *joys* of our academic S&M relationship with UT. I'm with ya sister, hang in there. *hugs*

I almost lost all hope in humanity today, for yet unknown reasons. Woke up crabby, went to exam crabby, got coffee crabby, went in for another exam crabby, got essay back crabby, and came home to wallow in my super-duper crabbiness. It's days like this that I seriously think I'm messed, I need therapy (atomicduck: we should totally do that collective therapy session, show that poor sod of a therapist just how deeply, inherently fucked we have become from this process).

But then, after a whole bucket greasy chinese take-out, pringles, salsa and Lindt extra-dark chocolate (there is a god!)I discovered the answer to all of my woes. There, laying in the corner of my room was a slobbered hair band peanut gnawed on last time he visited. (*retrospect*: three blissful hours of chasing squirrels in queen's park, then coming back to my apartment where i gave him a looong belly rub and he fell asleep in my lap)

*peanut*
My heart just melted. All the anger, rage, helplessness and futility in my life dissipated.

There are many things i don't think i'll ever understand in life, the main one being why i'm so dreadfully unhappy and ANGRY all the time. But i think one thing will always be there - my faith in puppies. No exam, grant proposal, annoying gerstein glamazon or even carbomber can even touch that with a ten-foot-pole.

I'm telling you, puppies are the answer to everything. If we just turned to puppies, everything would be alright. Israeli-Palestinian road to peace? Puppies. World hunger? Puppies. How do you think moses got out of the desert?! Kissinger and Mao met under the collective understanding that communist or not, cocker spaniels will always be cute. I hear mother teresa sought guidance from her shitzu.

And me, perpetual asian angry female? the solution lies in puppies. Hope lies in the periphery. Now i just have to work on harnessing that puppy-karma and suppressing the fire-breathing beast(ess?) within.

It's been awhile since i've have an insane need to ridicule and maim. So here goes.

Attn chain-smoking little glamazon with the freakishly plucked eyebrows,

Your presence is not appreciated at Gerstein. Do not come there again. Ever. We don't appreciate your kind. your people. or whichever plastics factory made and dressed you.
Don't come to 2 below if your prerogative is to sit, flirt, and complain loudly about how you need a cigarette SO BADLY. I don't give a flying fuck and neither do my brain-conscious contemporaries. Don't spend 20 minutes complaining about how you hate to study (oh really? you read past a 4th grade level?!) and then go for a smoke every 10 minutes. Then you have the guts to phone your boyfriend, HAVE A CONVERSATION ALOUD, then speak in some weird germanic-derived dialect of which i can only guess is RETARD. Don't invite your boyfriend to come, sit on his lap and proceed to slowly gyrate over his greasy-assed hairy leg to whatever geno music he has beating through his iPod.

How you made your way onto campus i cannot even imagine. How you dress and talk at the same time is equally surprising. Take your lululemon-wearing, chain-smoking, altoid-popping skinny little ass out of my library, you're stenching up my airspace. Go back to beauty school or whatever community college felt sorry enough to take your whory brazilian-waxed little ass. FUCK!!!

On a totally unrelated happy note, props to ma, who brought me bean soup. My colon thanks you.

Attn o_glorianna:

I have no idea why this came to me right in the middle of my furious attempt to pull my HPS essay out of my ass, but i just thought of the most AWFUL dirty science joke to add to your compendium:

Baby, if you were a mouse model, you'd be a DOUBLE KNOCKOUT!

Har har. Oh that just kills me.

Dearest Fergie,

Words cannot describe how i feel about you. You are an inspirational woman. The way you prance around shaking your filthy orange ass anywhere you can and yodelling about your godforsaken HUMPS, LUMPS, or whatever else fucking BUMPS you have under that polyester getup you wear 24/7 is quite a feat. How do you do it? Does it make you feel good that you're giving my ears a seizure?

It's not enough that the BEP is everywhere. No. Did the music industry really need more of you?!

Let me tell u something honey. If you were a doctor, you would have been sued for malpractice a LONG time ago. The fact that you don't even pretend to TRY to string together two-syllable sentences for those pathetic excuses you call lyrics is appalling. My cocker spaniel could come up with better rhymes. You and Avril Lavigne need to complete grammar school.

You make me question music. You make me question audio-visual aid. Please stop denegrading yourself. Get some help. Learn a line or two. String together a sentence - trust me, it's fulfilling. Purchase a thesaurus.

It's late, i SHOULD be preparing for my LMP seminar, ton of stuff to do, but i find myself worrying about my baby...

*sniff* i feel like such a neglectful mother. He's going under the knife tomorrow and i can't even be there to see him off. Oh, peanut - mommy loves you, mommy hates to be away from you, mommy MISSES you! Don't hold grudges when you're older, okay? Don't be one of those rebellious, estranged puppies that pull away. Mommy doesn't want to castrate you! But you have to get neutered. It's better this way. *sniff* someday, you'll see the sense in this. Just remember - it hurts me more than it hurts you.

Monday morning and i'm already tired out.

Spent the entire weekend in blissful leisure only to return to a mountain of work and barrels of disappointment. It started with spending 4 straight hours combing through 2 years worth of Straits Times articles last night, which was mind-numbing to say the least...then i had to check my LMP midterm mark, which was more joy....only to wake up this morning slow on buzz and rushed to class to discover that i was an hour early...to return home to check on my HMB grant marks...which provided a continuous stream of interesting emotions...(to a certain professor who's name rhymes with bay: what the fuck was all that smiling about if your mandate was to screw me over all along?! shall never be deceived again by jolly old men masquerading as laid-back retirees.)

Now must drag self back to class to be further denegraded....followed by a good serving of whoOOpASS from the great L-beast once more.
*sigh*
I need some prozac.

Alright so by now, we've all established that I'm angry. A lot. But once in awhile, I come across a story that really gets MY blood boiling.

All i can say is there are 3 things in the world that REALLY tick me off:
1) People who beat their kids
2) The pussycat dolls (yes, there is enough hate towards this phenomenon to warrant an entire section, but this is too long a rant that i shall save for another time), and finally
3) Misogynists.

Being the angry asian FEMALE that i am, mysogyny is a sore spot. Especially because i volunteer at a women's clinic for domestic abuse. So you can imagine how i felt when i read about this man in the globe and mail today:

Name: Sheik Taj Aldin al Hilali (a.k.a. clerical FUCKTARD)
Status: Top islamic cleric at Sydney's largest mosque (yes, he is a spiritual LEADER, people put this bastard in a position of POWER to PREACH to muslim youth)

Hilali's recent statements at a sermon, on the topic of headscarves:
“If you take out uncovered meat and place it outside ... without cover, and the cats come to eat it ... whose fault is it, the cats' or the uncovered meat's?
“The uncovered meat is the problem. If she was in her room, in her home, in her hijab, no problem would have occurred.”

So much for all the arguments granting muslim women the FREEDOM and RIGHT to wear their headscarves. Now we know how Mr. Hilali really thinks about the subject - it's to protect men from sinful women, who prance around and tease these poor innocent muslim men with their tresses oozing of sex. Yes, women DESERVE to be raped if they're not HOME wearing their HIJAB.

And you wonder why the world has such a distorted view of the muslim culture? Someone put this bastard out of business, before he gets to brainwash another group of muslim men to objectify and mistreat their women.

and THAT is why i am an ANGRY ASIAN FEMALE.

From BBC News: "A Taiwanese legislator could face disciplinary action after spraying what appeared to be tear gas during a parliamentary committee hearing. Independent legislator Lee Ao, who was trying stop debate on a controversial arms bill, also pulled out a stun gun. Mr Lee caused a commotion after putting on a mask and spraying gas from an aerosol canister into the packed room."



And I thought MY hissy fits were bad. I'd like to have this guy and Hugo Chavez over for dinner. Hmm...could make for some interesting topical conversations.